For several months now the Lord has been nudging me to write and share my testimony. Initially, I didn't resist, because I believe there is great power in sharing our witness with others. But then the Lord started to explain more of what He wanted from me. He wanted me to go into detail. Like make me feel pretty uncomfortable detail. Detail that would expose the depth of my sin, but that would bring light and glory to Him who healed me. I battled with thoughts of fear, rejection, pride, humiliation. I thought, "My grandpa will probably read this. That's awkward." I had to snap out of that train wreck of a thought pattern. Obedience to God and bringing Him glory is more important than what others think of me. Besides, I'm not the same person anymore!
After I swallowed my pride and accepted His invitation, I started to become more passionate about sharing my testimony. The Lord has given me a boldness to speak about things that no one wants to talk about. Taboo in the Christian world.
My testimony may make you feel uncomfortable, but ultimately, I hope that you will see how great the love of God is and how He relentlessly pursues our hearts. Maybe you will be able to relate to my story, and maybe experience greater freedom from shame and guilt of the past. My goal is to bring glory to my Healer, instill faith to those who feel hopelessly defeated by their sin, and to encourage people to share their testimony.
Let's break the ice, be real, and get free.
I'll start where testimonies typically begin, my upbringing. I was privileged to be born and raised in a Christian, God-fearing, Jesus-loving home. Two sinners for parents, who loved each other, loved their kids, and wanted to live a life pleasing before the Lord. My parents were super involved at our church which meant that church was like a second home for our family. We were often the last people to leave, turn off the lights, and lock the doors. As a child, I asked Jesus to come live in my heart, and I believed the basic teachings of Christianity. Jesus is the Son of God, Jesus died for my sins, Jesus is alive, Jesus loves me. By the time I was a teenager, I had heard a lot of Bible stories, sang along with a lot of hymns, and generally thought I was a good Christian person. I prayed to God to help me through various things, but the conversation was always one way. Once I started high school, things got a little more complicated. Boys began to notice me, girls began to judge me, and the little old ladies at church didn't approve of me.
Rebellion set in. I wanted to be accepted, loved, and valued, just like every young person so desperately wants. I didn't accept the love and acceptance I had at home to be enough. My parents were supposed to love me no matter what, right? I wanted more than that. With hormones raging and a God-shaped whole in my heart, I searched for acceptance. Crushes came, and crushes went, all the while leaving me feeling small and unwanted.
This is all pretty typical, right?
Let's go back a few years...and let's get real.
Something very important and life-changing happened to me while I was a pre-teen. Pornography. The first time I saw porn, I was about 12 years old. I was at a friends house. We got on the computer to play some games, when we discovered a minimized tab that her brother previously had open. We had no clue what we were seeing, in fact, we thought it was a joke! My life changed on that day. My eyes would never be the same. My brain would forever be tainted. My heart instantly sick.
I wasn't looking for porn. I didn't even know what it was. But there was no going back. It was like a drug running through my veins. I had to know more. I had to see more. It wasn't long before sexual discovery set in. I'm not talking about promiscuity. I'm talking about self-discovery. Masturbation. Ew, I thought that was only for guys? (I felt like Buddy the T-rex from Dinosaur Train, "What am I doing in a Pteranodon nest?") I felt so disgusted by my struggle. I couldn't stop. I hated what I was doing, but there wasn't enough will power in me that could stop it. I felt completely defeated. I felt gross. I was mad at myself. I definitely didn't want to talk to God about it. So it was my secret. I lived with so much guilt and shame because of my addiction to pornography and masturbation. I wasn't an addict because I wanted to be one. I was an addict because I couldn't stop. I couldn't help myself out of my addiction.
Let's move on and come back to that later.
By the time I was a senior in high school, I had done a good job of rebelling against my parents, making a mess of myself, and created a huge barrier between my relationship with the Lord. I wanted to do good, to be a Christian, and to have a good family life, but I wanted the love of the world and my peers more. After I graduated high school, I had destroyed all trust with my parents. I lied to them about where I was at, I lied to them about my smoking habits, and at times I would show up to church with a hangover. My life was going nowhere. I actually hated myself. I couldn't believe the person I had become. I was a hopeless wreck in desperate need of a second chance.
My second chance was brought about through a job change for my dad and a cross country move for our family. The Lord picked us up from the corn fields of Illinois and placed us in Suburbia, Texas, USA. I cannot even begin to explain the outworking of the Lord's plans for our family through this move. Moving to Texas was a complete GIFT.
Upon hearing about the plans to move to Texas, I was not happy. I didn't want to move. But the Lord heard the cry of my heart. I needed this move. It was my second chance, a clean slate! This is the first time I realized that the Lord was in pursuit of me.
Out of the Lord's great love for me and my family, He gave me a second chance. I tear up just thinking about this great act of mercy for such an undeserving person such as myself. I knew the truth. I was taught right from wrong. And I still went my own way. I deserved to burn my hand on the stove. I deserved the path I chose for myself. I thank God that His mercy triumphs over justice, because His mercy has forever changed me.
Things didn't really change in my life or heart just because I lived in a different house in a different state. I still carried on in my sin and lived with broken relationships. A few months after we moved, we began attending a local church. I was amazed by the amount of young people around. I was tired of running from God, and seeing so many young people chasing after HIm was inspiring to me. I decided to end the fight and begin the new life that the Lord had laid out for me. I was 18 years old when I finally gave my heart and life to Jesus.
What happened from that pivotal point in time is such a blur. Not because I don't remember, but because everything happened so quickly. It was like the Lord was redeeming the time that I had squandered. He continued to pour out precious gifts on my life, of which I am so undeserving. He gave me a friend, Laura. He gave me a mentor, Jason. He gave me mate, David. These people have shaped who I am today and have always pointed me to Jesus. They challenge me to grow. They encourage me to deal with my sin, run towards the Father even when it hurts, and have taught me how to love messy people. (I am the messy person that they loved on and in doing so, they forever changed my life).
All the Sunday school truth in my head began to spring into life in my heart. Jesus was becoming REAL to me. The more God pursued me, the more He captivated my heart and thoughts.
Notice what I said there. HE pursued me. HE captivated my heart. HE made the first move, not me. It was not my own doing or desire to follow God, it was His great desire to have relationship with me that moved me towards Him. It was not, and has not ever been, my own love for Jesus that connects me to Him. It is and always has been His unfailing love for me that keeps me and upholds me. The more I recognize and receive His love for me, the more it spurs on a desire to live a pleasing life before HIm.
Dead things started to break off of me as God gently chiseled away and smoothed out my rough edges. I began to experience freedom in areas of my life that I thought I would have to carry forever. Jesus became my friend, and He healed my sick heart.
Let me tell you how I experienced freedom and healing in a few specific areas of my life.
When I was 19, I met (my now husband) David. I was love struck. I had never known anyone like him. I won't get into our personal story too much (that's a whole 'notha blog post!) I bring this up because, as I mentioned before, David is a precious gift to me from the Lord and has been a voice to bring about a lot of healing for me. Soon after David and I started dating, he noticed the poor relationship I had with my parents, especially my dad. I still had not fully regained trust with them even though I had been following Jesus for a year. David strongly encouraged me to make amends with my dad and focus on building a healthy relationship with my parents. Ugh, this was not something I wanted to do. Talking to my dad almost always resulted in an argument, with tears and harsh words exploding everywhere. I had a well of bitterness and resentment stored up against him. As a child, I feared my dad in an unhealthy way. As a teenager, I hated him for the rules he placed on me. All in all, I felt like a disappointment and failure to him. I felt that I needed to perform to earn his love. So, when David noticed the obvious disconnect, he knew that reconciliation with my parents would be crucial to the quality of our relationship, as well as bring about personal healing for me. I knew David was right, (plus I was in love with him) so I took his advice. Healing and reconciliation didn't happen overnight. In fact, it was pain staking. Hard conversations were had and tears still shed, but now it was with reconciliation in mind. The Lord began to soften our hearts and turn them towards each other. Good advice and seeking the Lord through that difficult situation led to a new level of freedom for me. Resentment and bitterness broke off of me and were replaced with love and gratitude. I can tell you today that I love my dad very much and I am so thankful for the Lord's work in our lives.
David also challenged me in a different way. (He does this a lot :P) David and I met through mutual friends. We often smoked cigars and cigarettes socially. I had picked up social smoking when I was in high school but didn't carry on as much once I moved to Texas. I still liked it. I wasn't addicted but I wasn't planning on cutting it out altogether. It was infrequent and seemingly harmless. David wasn't down with my cigarette smoking, however. Well this was inconvenient for me. "It's not a sin! It's harmless", I thought! I struggled with this for a bit because I didn't want to give it up but I knew it would put a small strain on my relationship with David. So I took it to the Lord. I asked Him to remove my desire for smoking. I'm not kidding you, it was gone. It left. Suddenly, I was repulsed. It seems like such a small thing, maybe even a silly or stupid thing, to ask for, but God cares about the details of our lives. God is faithful with the big things and the little things! My desire for smoking has been dead since I asked the Lord to take it. Thank you Jesus!
The summer of 2009 I attended a Kairos Conference with my friends, Laura and Meg. This was another specific time that I had experienced breakthrough in my walk with the Lord and dealing with my past (and present) mess. During the conference, there were several opportunities to open the doors to dark rooms in our hearts and deal with things before the Lord. The conference is designed specifically for people to find healing and freedom in their lives, and that is exactly what I experienced. They bring up specific topics that often times we wouldn't think about and they speak the truth of God's Word over our hearts and minds. Often times, as Christians, we think that claiming the work of the cross over our lives as a whole is enough. Which don't get me wrong, it totally is! But we can experience deeper wholeness by inviting the Lord into the secret places in our hearts and claiming the work and victory of the cross over specific areas. I do believe that for those who earnestly seek Him, He will address those areas over time, but we can give Him the invitation to come in and work on those areas, in a "Kairos", or opportune, time. And that's what the conference was created for; to encourage healing and wholeness and create an environment for that to take place. (These conferences still go on and I would encourage anyone and everyone to attend! They are put on by Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas). I walked away from that conference feeling like there was nothing in the way between me and the Lord. It was an amazing feeling, but more than that, it was a great time of healing for me!
Again, with David, I experienced amazing freedom through confession! This is where I want to sit and focus for a while. Earlier I wrote about my pornography and masturbation addiction, and now I will tell you how I got free from it all.
David and I got engaged in the summer of 2010, and our next planned trip to visit each other was later that December. The plan was for me to fly to England for a couple weeks during Christmas break. (My husband and I had an extreme long distance relationship for the bulk of our time dating. He lived in England, I lived in Texas. 5,000 miles apart). Between the time that David popped the question in June to my anticipated trip in December, the Lord had brought up something deep and heavy on my heart. David had no idea about my past addiction. At this point, I hadn't watched porn in about a year, but I had never told anyone about it. My struggle with masturbation still continued, and as anyone who has seen pornography knows, the pornographic images never leave your memory. I was mortified at the thought of telling anyone about my secret life. I hadn't really even spoken much about it to the Lord. It's amazing how He desires freedom for us even when we don't want it or know that it's possible. He was inviting me to bring my sin into the light and experience healing from the guilt and shame I had carried for 10 years. I WRESTLED with the Lord over this for 6 months! Surely only humiliation and more shame were in store for me. How could David think of me the same after knowing this about me? The weight of my sexual sin had paralyzed me for 10 years. I didn't want to live with the guilt anymore, but I was too afraid to do anything about it. A simple scripture verse had been on replay in my mind during this 6 month time period; James 5:16 - "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I so badly wanted to be healed, but confessing my sin? That was the most daunting task ever. Shame and guilt kept creeping in, trying to debilitate me and prevent me from getting free. I trusted the Lord on this one, big time. It was right for my future husband to know, and it was right to follow through in obedience to the Lord. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I resolved to tell David face to face while I was visiting during Christmas. I wanted to enjoy my trip but I was battling so much fear in the back of my mind. The Lord continued to encourage me and give me strength to follow through. I forced the words to come out of my mouth. Once my confession fell off my lips, that was it. No going back. My deepest, darkest secret was out in the open.
God bless David. I do not deserve this man. He could tell I was nervous. He realized the weight of what I had just unpacked. He looked at me and hugged me, said that it's okay, and reassured me of his love for me. I exploded into tears as my shame and guilt were met with love and understanding. He did not judge me, condemn me, nor did he ask a single question. In that moment, I knew that my sin didn't have anything on me! As the Bible promises in James 5:16, through confession I knew I was healed from my shame and guilt. The more people I confess to, the more freedom I experience. I have only spoken to three people about this, so writing and sharing this is an exercise of release and continued freedom for me!
I want to say something about the guilt I had experienced for 10 years. Since I carried such a weight of shame and secrecy for such a long period of time, there were a lot of questions that ran through my head over those years. If I had allowed my sexual sin to define me, I would be a very confused person right now. For example: Does it mean that I am a lesbian because I've watched lesbian porn? Pornography devalues and destroys the beauty of sexual intimacy. How can sex be a holy thing when porn makes it seem so dirty? I knew the answers to those kinds of questions, but those are dangerous questions if you allow yourself to entertain and explore them. What I feel, what I think, what I do - that is not who I am. If we let our sin define us, we will go down a very different path than what the Lord would have for us.
In the midst of my self-disgust and shame, the Lord saw me. In the midst of my rebellion, He saw me. In the midst of my utter brokenness, He saw me. He saw me and He wanted me. He knew my worth. He fought for me relentlessly. He did these things because He loves me and created me. Because He loves me unconditionally, He pulled me out of the pit of sin and brought me into the fullness of life. I am not the person I was at 12, nor at 18, or even last year! Praise God for that! "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come." (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I was dead in my sins; gratifying the cravings of my flesh and indulging in my evil thoughts and desires. But God, who is rich in mercy and abundant in love, made a way for me. He brought me to life with Jesus, even in the midst of my sin. I have been saved by grace. (see Ephesians 2:1-5)
It's as simple as this: No matter how hard I tried to pull myself out of my mess, it never worked. I kept failing; falling deeper into a pit. And that is why Jesus is so beautiful. Because He is able. His arm is not too short to pull me from the pit. He cares enough to save me and He cares enough to sanctify me.
It is His lovingkindness that leads me to repentance. I know now what lies on the other side of confession and repentance; it's mercy, and grace, and freedom. It is a safe place. It is His love for me that motivates me to obey Him. Jesus says in John 14:23 that if we love HIm, then we will obey Him. Because He loved me first, now I can love Him in return and follow Him in obedience. Obedience to say "yes" to Him when He asks me to do really hard things, like confess my secrets to people, or lay down my preferences and kill my pride when seeking reconciliation with someone. His love motivates me to follow through with the hard things because I know He is leading me to a safe place. He wants my wholeness more than I do. He knows how to get me there. It is my job to trust Him and to say "Yes Lord I will follow."
Now it's 2015. The Lord continues to pursue me even in my wandering. He still asks me to do hard things. He is still opening doors to dark rooms in my heart. Things just look different than they did in 2008. There are other areas, even new areas, of my heart that still need addressing and purifying. My trials and shortcomings have taken on different shapes, but are all symptoms of the same human condition. Every day I have to make the decision to follow Jesus into greater healing and joy. Following Jesus is literally the hardest thing I have and will ever do, but I have found nothing better nor sweeter so I'm not stopping now. I'm not going back to my old life. That version of me is dead and gone, forgiven and forgotten! I have tasted victory and I'm not going back!
I am free and I am healed!
I am free and I am healed!
So let go of shame and guilt and dark secrets. Let go of anger and bitterness and unforgiveness. Follow Him into freedom and healing and wholeness. Say "yes" to the hard things for a great reward is waiting on the other side.
"To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." (Jude 1:24+25)
